Sometimes it's not healthy to make choices for other people's benefit. In fact I'm coming to a point where I believe it's not healthy at all. There should be some kind of mutual give and take, a mutual desire that make things beautiful for both parties.
I'm tired of being weighed down, feeling guilty over things that because of stubbornness won't change, and carrying with me through the day the clips of depressing statements from midnight conversations. I don't want it. I don't have to have it.
It's been a long time coming. One weekend wasn't the reason, it was the suspended animation, the feeling of knowing myself and being known in a real and transparent way that finalized the decision I should have always made. Makes me believe: it's just there or it's not. The chemistry, the intensity.
I remember Luke talking me through my dead engagement and telling me that it was the wrong kind of passion I shared then, that the kind of passion I described was destructive. I think whatever passion I saw these last months was very similar, a self destructive passion. And I'm not a life boat for a sinking ship. Renewal is a choice. Life is a choice. And sinking is a choice too.
In the midst of all the chaos of difficult decisions and hard situations, phone calls that I know won't be well received and thought out explanations that I know will be twisted, it's nice to have inspiring people around me. The kind of people who fight through the sticky jumble of compromised truths and shitty life experiences and find something worth believing in, even if it's not the truth parents smile at or lifestyle choices others praise. I admire their strength and take it in a little.
I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to find the kind of inspiration that heals and creates. In the mean time I'm going to work on becoming it- breathing it, speaking it.
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