Affections

I wonder what the difference between admiration and affection are for me; it seems the same energies that draw me to people in general cause attraction when in higher doses. But I never recognize anything right off. Makes me feel dense and unaware, and then confused- am I supposed to feel something? Allow myself to feel something? Is there some method to test these thoughts to make sure they're worth having in the first place? Or is it all left up to chance, power completely in the hands of that person to make a move, say a word, disclose what I would never say out loud? Silence kills it. And then I'm left with wasted time, a wasted blog. And still no answers.

Never finished...

At every point life seems to take me by surprise. Transitioning from one area of life to the next, I never feel more prepared; and I'm not who I expected to be. I'm not disappointed though- I'm not dissatisfied. I have become who I never expected I wanted to be. Grace is a funny thing, and all the while I thought I knew- I thought I knew what grace looked like, felt like. My perspective was so painfully small. But grace proves itself in that while I was still selfish and small-minded and folding in on myself with conceit, it changed me without telling me so. And in the end of one process in many, I have somehow become much better than I ever planned to be. I have no idea how that happened, and what's more, I don't care to know.