oh simone

If one could imagine any possibility of error in God, I should think that it all happened to me by mistake. But perhaps God likes to use castaway objects, waste, rejects…It sometimes seems to me that when I am treated in so merciful a way, every sin on my part must be a mortal sin. And I am constantly committing them.

— Simone Weil, Waiting for God

"leave behind someone else's face"

Thinking a lot about control. Thinking about how life unfolds, how in moments of high stress i start to think that life happens to me instead of believing that i create life. It gets to this fever pitch and then, after midnight conversations and some weak coffee, i realize how fragile life is. Too much for this, i've been through too much. Seen too much, lived through all these crisis points. Really, this is the one to take me down? boredom?

No idea what kind of changes to make, how to focus, but i know that when i focus on the global i realize how small i am. That somehow makes me feel more centered.

It could have been me releasing my last breath to a stray bullet, feeling the last moment of sensation, making amends in my head with everyone i know. It could have been me born to a teenage mother, or the mother herself for that matter. Life is fluid, fragile, imperfect.

And the longer i spend capitalizing the i and raising my verbal position, elevating my worth, deifying and humanizing opposites, i feel more and more displaced. i was born to dirt.

dear god remove my rhetoric. i want to believe more than a text, i want to be more than a text.

deleted

I deleted his comments and erased his text messages, all the i love yous.

I can still see them in my head.

I realized that I can read the majority of messages in my mind long after I erase them and try to pretend like words mean nothing.

I'm not claiming that love is always deep and eternal; sometimes there's just enough there to make a life change. Until now I've been uncomfortable admitting that.

This week I realized that I am most lonely when I'm bored. The semester starts in a month, but I feel antzy and impulsive. I think I might plan to move, or at least give myself some options. Something new.

Where I am

Sometimes it's not healthy to make choices for other people's benefit. In fact I'm coming to a point where I believe it's not healthy at all. There should be some kind of mutual give and take, a mutual desire that make things beautiful for both parties.

I'm tired of being weighed down, feeling guilty over things that because of stubbornness won't change, and carrying with me through the day the clips of depressing statements from midnight conversations. I don't want it. I don't have to have it.

It's been a long time coming. One weekend wasn't the reason, it was the suspended animation, the feeling of knowing myself and being known in a real and transparent way that finalized the decision I should have always made. Makes me believe: it's just there or it's not. The chemistry, the intensity.

I remember Luke talking me through my dead engagement and telling me that it was the wrong kind of passion I shared then, that the kind of passion I described was destructive. I think whatever passion I saw these last months was very similar, a self destructive passion. And I'm not a life boat for a sinking ship. Renewal is a choice. Life is a choice. And sinking is a choice too.

In the midst of all the chaos of difficult decisions and hard situations, phone calls that I know won't be well received and thought out explanations that I know will be twisted, it's nice to have inspiring people around me. The kind of people who fight through the sticky jumble of compromised truths and shitty life experiences and find something worth believing in, even if it's not the truth parents smile at or lifestyle choices others praise. I admire their strength and take it in a little.

I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to find the kind of inspiration that heals and creates. In the mean time I'm going to work on becoming it- breathing it, speaking it.