Everything, a grain of Salt

So I was supposed to be in Oregon, but life events changed me, left me with different plans for school and life and purpose. Now I'm moving again, chasing the dream of fulfillment, feeling closer with every transition.

Thinking that I'd be in Portland pushed me to make a halfway adjustment, trying to ensure I'd move well in the end of the summer. Having a dream pushed me to Tennessee for the summer; I wouldn't have been there otherwise. Chance enounter. There is no chance. Fate restructured my life; if I had been asked I would have refused the beauty that dissolved dreams birthed. In the whirl of Southern Baptist red tape and confined teenage emotions hissing under the weight of summer structure, I was given something big. Undeserved and much to huge for my fractured and reset little heart to contain.

It's not because I am whole and secure and untarnished that love means so much. It's because I'm totally incapable not only of earning it, but of maintaining it. Love cannot be a finite gift without strings attached or it would end. This time I think I'm ready to accept the real thing, the love that requires everything, obligates, redefines--it's the only kind that lasts. Those strings, the confines I hated for so long, those are precisely the methods by which infinity steps in and maintains its own gift. Only Love can keep up with love, if found. I am too unloving, uncaring, insensitive to just need grace. I need constant upkeep, the kind that I cannot initiate. I need love.

And out of the blue I have it. A gift. Three months untarnished.

I still don't know how to feel.