— Simone Weil, Waiting for God
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
oh simone
If one could imagine any possibility of error in God, I should think that it all happened to me by mistake. But perhaps God likes to use castaway objects, waste, rejects…It sometimes seems to me that when I am treated in so merciful a way, every sin on my part must be a mortal sin. And I am constantly committing them.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
"leave behind someone else's face"
Thinking a lot about control. Thinking about how life unfolds, how in moments of high stress i start to think that life happens to me instead of believing that i create life. It gets to this fever pitch and then, after midnight conversations and some weak coffee, i realize how fragile life is. Too much for this, i've been through too much. Seen too much, lived through all these crisis points. Really, this is the one to take me down? boredom?
No idea what kind of changes to make, how to focus, but i know that when i focus on the global i realize how small i am. That somehow makes me feel more centered.
It could have been me releasing my last breath to a stray bullet, feeling the last moment of sensation, making amends in my head with everyone i know. It could have been me born to a teenage mother, or the mother herself for that matter. Life is fluid, fragile, imperfect.
And the longer i spend capitalizing the i and raising my verbal position, elevating my worth, deifying and humanizing opposites, i feel more and more displaced. i was born to dirt.
dear god remove my rhetoric. i want to believe more than a text, i want to be more than a text.
No idea what kind of changes to make, how to focus, but i know that when i focus on the global i realize how small i am. That somehow makes me feel more centered.
It could have been me releasing my last breath to a stray bullet, feeling the last moment of sensation, making amends in my head with everyone i know. It could have been me born to a teenage mother, or the mother herself for that matter. Life is fluid, fragile, imperfect.
And the longer i spend capitalizing the i and raising my verbal position, elevating my worth, deifying and humanizing opposites, i feel more and more displaced. i was born to dirt.
dear god remove my rhetoric. i want to believe more than a text, i want to be more than a text.
Friday, July 4, 2008
deleted
I deleted his comments and erased his text messages, all the i love yous.
I can still see them in my head.
I realized that I can read the majority of messages in my mind long after I erase them and try to pretend like words mean nothing.
I'm not claiming that love is always deep and eternal; sometimes there's just enough there to make a life change. Until now I've been uncomfortable admitting that.
This week I realized that I am most lonely when I'm bored. The semester starts in a month, but I feel antzy and impulsive. I think I might plan to move, or at least give myself some options. Something new.
I can still see them in my head.
I realized that I can read the majority of messages in my mind long after I erase them and try to pretend like words mean nothing.
I'm not claiming that love is always deep and eternal; sometimes there's just enough there to make a life change. Until now I've been uncomfortable admitting that.
This week I realized that I am most lonely when I'm bored. The semester starts in a month, but I feel antzy and impulsive. I think I might plan to move, or at least give myself some options. Something new.
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